Something that a lot of people don’t realise, is that having high blood sugar feels rubbish. You feel so tired, like your legs are full of led and they don’t want to move. You get unbearably thirsty. You can’t concentrate on anything even the simplest of tasks are difficult. Reading isn’t possible because you read one line, and then you forget the previous line. One prominent thing that happens to me is my mood becomes so low, I get angry and sad at everything, even the smallest thing would set me off. That would cause me to lock myself away in my room so that no one would be on the receiving end of one of these moods.Let me say, having periods of high blood sugar can be very dangerous, but as long as I was having small amounts per day, I can get by without intervention from say the hospital. So I was getting my background insulin, which is continuously dripped into my body via my insulin pump, and not giving any insulin for food.
After a while, around my second semester of university, I realised that the reason I was losing weight, and my mentality changed. I started purposely “forgetting” my insulin doses, knowing that I would remain slim, possibly even lose more weight. I did this nearly every day, it was almost an obsession. Most of the time, I would only do it if I ate something particularly unhealthy, almost binge eating and then not giving insulin so that those calories wouldn’t count. I went to the hospital and got my long term blood sugar tested (the test is called hba1c) and it was 12.9, which is extremely high and quite dangerous. I became so unhappy, because although my weight was being stabilized by my habits, my mood was so low all the time, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, and I just locked myself away. University was becoming so hard, as it took me twice as long as everyone else to understand things.
When assignments were due, I would make sure my blood sugar was normal, so I could concentrate, go to the library and work, then come home and immediately make my blood sugars higher again. I would attempt to go on nights out with my friends, but I would feel so tired the whole night that I would end up coming home early myself anyway, so after a while I stopped trying. It was always worse when I know I didn’t have anything specific to do that day, so I wouldn’t bother doing anything except eating and making my blood sugars higher.
This was really hard for me to admit to myself, and it's even harder to write about. I am currently trying my hardest to lead as healthy a lifestyle as possible. I am fully aware that my actions are destructive, and can lead to further complications, however sometimes in the moment the long term issues aren't on my mind. Right now I am concentrating on exercising and eating better, and hopefully my blood sugar will improve with this. Although this is a daily struggle, I know that I can't continue this lifestyle.
Until Next Time,
Until Next Time,